Yesterday I was in the checkout line at Bristol Farms where I was witness to the bleeding edge of male fashion. He says to me ‘Oh where did you find that?’ about some grey salt I was buying. And as I turned around to point to the aisle and laid eyes upon this earthly incarnation of god’s glory – the angels did sing. His keen sense of style was disorienting while my brain processed the ensemble before me and began to comprehend the details: a Malibu Beach t-shirt tucked into vertical striped boxer shorts. Black socks and dress shoes complimented by a white canvas man purse. No pants and a shirt tucked into his boxers with dress shoes and purse. I’ve had my moments but when confronted with such greatness its hard not to get a little weepy.

{tags salt malibu no pants}

Over the weekend I was looking around on our fileserver for these strange 911 recordings that I saved from a local police department’s computer; how you ask? Thats another post all together that I’m saving for later. Instead I found our /funny and /cool folders where certain files were poised like cats – ready to pounce once again onto the world wild webs, enjoy.

Filed under Funny:

• I’m sure you are no different from the rest of us and take your disco dancing as seriously as they do in the Ukraine. Watch and learn.

• Do you feel great? I mean really really GREAT? No? Maybe you should eat more Nutrigrain bars.

• This one pretty much speaks for itself; plus I’m too embarrassed to write anything else about it.

• Remember Tommy Seabach and that really super video for his Top 40 billboard hit Apache?

• Are you also locked in a battle with the devil for your very soul M-F between the hours of 9 and 5?

• You should totally consider a new Winnebago beacuse it has a ledge for your motherfucking ferns!

Filed under Cool:

• Transformer Dance – [commercial]

• Windowlicker – [video, large file]

{tags disco ukraine ferns tilton}

Check it out, its Donna Reed only she’s a computer super villian!

• **update* Xeni put them up on boingboing. Woot!

  {tags data center 1960’s photo’s}

I woke up before dawn today because a vampire overlord had finally gone ahead and dispatched his sycophant army to capture me for their ritual sacrifice, which we all know is just a matter of time. I’m sure I don’t have to explain to you that in order to signify the beginning of a new existance obscured by darkness and ruled by vampires, they must first anoint the earth with the blood of a semi-comatosed girl wearing one sock and a cat on her head. I happen to live nearby to their headquarters and I fit the criteria; so there they were, banging on my bedroom window all smiles and pointing to the caramel latte-no foam they brought me grinning like idiots and giving me the thumbs-up at 5am.

Lucky for me it was just a Sonic Boom that was sweetly coaxing me out from my slumber. This morning I could HEAR the space shuttle landing in the Mojave desert east of Los Angeles. How cool is that!

Wow, and here’s a neat picture of an ice lake on Mars.

• {tags mars vampires space shuttle caramel latte ritual sacrifice}

• A spider will lay eggs under my skin and they’ll hatch and I will die of fear and horror as the giant insect strings my desanguinated body up in his web as both a trophy and warning to others that they too will be used as vessels for world domination.

• A valet will spit in my soda can and I will drink it.

• I will wake up naked in a bathtub full of ice in Mexico with stitches accross my abdomen robbed of vital organs, my dignity, and all identifying documents and because of this nobody will believe me so I’m held hostage and forced to pick fruit for the rest of my life.

• I will get West Nile Virus and Asian Bird Flu.

• The spirit of someone who died will take over my cat’s body and tell everyone in heaven all the dispicable things I’ve done so they can keep a record of it.

{tags naked insect mexico heaven}

When I was 13 years old I went to a Huey Lewis and the News concert and as the heart of rock and roll was beating, I got my period for the first time. When I was finished dancing my little head off, we went to Wess’s House of Ribs where I remember yelling from the bathroom “I just don’t know where it goes!” to my best friend about the tampon she gave me.

At 14, me and the same friend would break dance on picnic tables. In public. I just want to make sure you understand. In public we, two white girls, would turn up our boomboxes and do the human helicopter in public picnic areas.

At 15, when we were not fighting, we’d choreograph and perform dance routines from the Purple Rain album for anyone who’d watch. And when we were fighting, about either who got to wear the light denim in the front-dark denim in the back jeans or whether or not its a good idea to go ahead and wear our matching flourescent high tops to school – we’d have hysterical fistfights on the cold, hard streets of Wakefield RI.

At 16, me and my new best friend decided it would be smart to steal Salvation Army collection bins from URI and then go to the mall. Just when we collected enough for gas money to Boston and Sonic Youth tickets, the local vegan-straight-edge-hypocrite-punk stole them from us so he could buy more abolish apartheid patches and hair bleach and feel really great about himself.

At 22, I moved to San Francisco to live in the Mission where I died my hair every color in the rainbow and developed an unbridled hunger for staying out all night and running wild. This was accompanied by copious amounts of irrational behavior, rebellion, and lots more dancing.

Now at 32 – I sit here hormonally demented, cursing Huey Lewis because it’s his fault I have cramps, with my coolness fading so fast I can practically see it moonwalking right out the front door wearing my red parachute pants that I bought at Chess King. And dancing badly. Very very badly.

{tags prince helicopter wakefield}